When I first started this blog post, I was going to write a long story about all of the ways I was wronged in my first marriage, and how unfairly I was treated. I wrote about half of it, decided to put it to rest for the time being, and come back to it later. When I stepped away from my original post, I saw it for what it was: a meaningless rant. What good does it do to focus on the negative aspects of a marriage that ended nearly five years ago, especially considering how much better and different my life is today?
It has really been on my heart lately to write this post, and I believe that is because March 16th would be my 7th anniversary, if I had stayed married to my first husband. When my marriage ended five years ago, I was in a really dark place. I was depressed, angry, and confused. How could this have happened? I was at a loss.
For a long time after my divorce, I stayed depressed. I was lonely, depressed, and insanely jealous of the happiness found by everyone around me. Everybody else’s life was moving on, and I was having a quarter life crisis it felt like. I had no idea who I was, or what I wanted from this life. I didn’t know what direction I was travelling, and I felt like my life was out of my control. I constantly told myself horrible lies: you’re worthless, nobody will ever love you, you are going to die alone. These things I told myself on a daily basis. I truly believed that I was not worth anything and that nothing good would ever happen to me.
Despite all of this, I continued praying and searching. For my future, for what I wanted and needed out of life, and for who I was to become. During this time, it was difficult to be around other people and their happy lives. I remember finding out my little cousin was pregnant and being devastated. That should be me, I am older. I am ready. Why can’t I be happy?
I’m not sure exactly when I let it all go. I woke up one morning and I was no longer sad. I no longer cried when I heard “that” song. I was really ready to move on with my life. They always say when you stop looking for a partner, that is when you will find your partner. I truly believe that to be true. When I first met Bryan, I could not believe that this was the man who had everything that I had ever dreamed, hoped and prayed for. I knew at our second date that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The decision to be with Bryan, and ultimately marry him, is the best decision I have ever made. He makes me a better person. He knows exactly what my needs are without having to communicate them verbally. He takes care of me in every way possible. He TRIES every single day. He puts effort into our relationship and shows me every single day that he is 100% in this relationship. I could not have asked for a better partner than this man.
Now, looking back, I am so thankful that my first marriage ended. I am relieved, and happier now than I have ever been. My divorce made me into the woman that I am today, and I am thankful for that everyday. My divorce taught me that I do not need to settle into a relationship that I am not 100% happy with. My divorce taught me that I am a strong woman, and I can overcome horrible things. Mostly I learned through my divorce to cherish the things in my life and the people in my life that mean the most to me. I cannot express how much those lessons, and others, have meant to me.
Looking back at my life, I would not change a single thing. The mistakes that I have made have led me to an amazing husband, and a beautiful daughter. I cannot wait to see what our future holds, and I am so happy now to have our future to look forward to.
Love to all,