It has been a while since I wrote. In fact, it has been a long time since I have done any of the old things that used to make me happy. I used to write all the time, journal entries and writing prompts. I used to read at least two books a week. Lately, it’s all I can do to find the motivation to get out of bed and go about my day. Lately I am just going through the motions.
Depression is a killer. I have struggled with depression off and on in adulthood. Ever since I had my daughter, I have struggled even harder it seems. None of the old things make me happy. Of course it doesn’t help that my 10 month old is not sleeping through the night. It doesn’t help that there is currently a pandemic making its way around the world. It doesn’t help that I simultaneously want to eat my feelings and lose weight.
I am extremely unhappy with my postpartum body, and that seemingly fuels all my actions. I don’t want to go outside and do any physical activity because I am embarrassed to be out of breath after such short of time. I don’t want to work out inside because I shouldn’t be this wore out after 15 minutes on the treadmill. I am stuck in an endless cycle. I want to be healthy, I want to be more active. After I work out, I always feel fantastic! It’s an energy and mood booster. Finding the motivation to actually DO the workout, however, is another story altogether.
At the start of this year, I had a goal in mind. I was going to lose 80 pounds by the end of this year. Now we are four months in, and I have actually gained about 10 pounds. It has truly been a struggle. I look at my daughter and I think, “I want to lose weight, and model healthy habits to my daughter. I don’t want her to have the same unhealthy relationship with food that I have.” That should be a motivation for me, but it isn’t helping.
So what’s the kicker? Well, turns out I have to be motivated to do this for ME. I have to be motivated to take care of myself and my own health because it benefits me, and not because I want to be healthy for my daughter, my husband or anyone else. So how do I find this motivation? How do I look at myself in the mirror, disgusted by how I look, with a craving to just go hide under the blankets and eat 10,000 calories and do better?
I am working on it ever so slowly. It is hard to remember sometimes that I have been putting on this weight for nearly 8 years now. It didn’t go on overnight, and it isn’t going to fall off over night. This week I lost 4 pounds! That is probably just from water retention, but I am going to be positive. I am not going to focus on the numbers on the scale, I am going to keep tabs of what I am putting in my body. I know I need to pick foods for NUTRIENT density instead of CALORIE density.
Here’s to taking my health back, one day at a time.
Love to all,